I'm such an idiot

I've been walking around for 12 days now thinking our referrals could come any second. I've checked my e-mail, checked voicemail, and watched our agency's message board for news.

I e-mailed my agency today, and found that we are not close. I guess I misunderstood the length of time that we would have to wait, or maybe I'm an even bigger idiot and cannot handle waiting these extra few weeks.

I thought maybe that things would start to go our way for a change, that things would get easier. But I'm finding this waiting harder than I ever imagined. And knowing that once we know who our babies are, we will have at least 4 months to wait after that to bring them home makes me very sad.

And forgive me for saying this, but it's very hard for me to watch parents who already have several biological children fly down to visit their Guatemalan babies and bring them home, while we wait here, childless, wondering how on earth we can get through the next few months of waiting.

I know when we have them with us, it will all have been worth it. I know we'll laugh and tell them stories one day about how much we longed for them, to know who they were, to hold them...

But it really hurts right now. I feel foolish, like I did after my first IVF, when I thought I had a really good chance of it working, and was shocked to learn it failed. Since that failure, I never took another IVF cycle or pregnancy for granted, I expected nothing, and wasn't shocked when I was rewarded with nothing. It looks like I need to retain that pessimistic armor for a while longer.